Miscarriage, Pregnancy, and Infant Loss

How to support loved ones and what to say 

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It is estimated that around five one in 20 pregnancies result in miscarriages and losses (Mayo Clinic). Although this data proves that the experience of miscarriage is surprisingly common, people seldom speak or share ab out this type of grief. In turn, pregnancy and infant loss can feel isolating and confusing.  

If you know a loved one or friend who has experienced this pain, we recommend sitting alongside them in the ways in which they request. Here are a few suggestions to broach the conversation and support those who have suffered miscarriages and loss. 

What to say to someone grieving from pregnancy loss  

It’s important not to assume others’ emotions. Everyone is different and everyone experiences grief differently. Don’t be afraid to ask the person directly how they are doing and if they would like to talk about their loss. If not, then respect their choice. 

For example, here are some ways to ask what they need: 

• “I’m so sorry you had a miscarriage. If you’d like to talk about it, I am here to listen.” 

• “I’m sending you and your family so much love. Whenever you need someone to talk to, I am here.” 

• “Would you like to talk about them [if they have a name picked out, use that name]?” 

• “I want you to know you are not alone. I am here to listen and to show up in ways that feel right for you.” 

• “I love you and your baby. How can I support you?” 

• “I am so sad with you. Please let me know if you need an ear or support.” 

What NOT to say after a miscarriage 

While seeing our loved ones in pain is difficult, grief is a normal and important part of life. If you are uncomfortable seeing your loved one sad, avoid saying things that diminish the gravity of their loss.  

Also, avoid making check-ins solely about your feelings. Sharing sadness together can be monumentally healing and create a safe place; however, there is a difference in grieving together and talking at someone. It can be harmful to ask a grieving person to feel better because you are unable to sit with their grief or your own sadness. 

Here are things to avoid saying to someone who has suffered a miscarriage or infant loss: 

• “At least you know you can conceive a baby.” 

• “Things like this happen, you will be okay. Let’s focus on the positives.” 

• “At least you have your other kid(s).” (Please note that if this person has older children, or was pregnant with multiple children, this is invalidating to the child(ren) they lost.) 

• “It hurts me to see you this way. It makes me so sad that you are in pain.” (Please note that sharing your sadness is okay. But it is not okay to make this experience only about your sadness. This shifts the blame to their emotions rather than the loss of their baby.) 

• “There’s so much hurt in this world. I wonder why this happened.” 

How to support your loved one 

During the initial conversation with your loved one, ask how you can support them. Then afterwords, follow up by showing up and reminding them that you are here for them. Here are some ideas: 

• Ask if they need help sharing their loss with their friend group or loved ones. This can relieve the burden of others’ reactions.  

• Bring over a cup of tea, or preferred beverage, to enjoy together or drop off. 

• Let them know you are making a meal and would like to drop it off. (Be sure the meal is within their dietary needs.) 

• Create an activity box that has coloring books and puzzles. This can be especially helpful if they need surgery and time for physical rest. 

• Offer to watch their other children or take their dogs for a walk. 

For your loved one, there are days following this loss that may feel particularly significant and isolating due to grief. Sharing that you are thinking of them and their child(ren) during these days provides space for them to connect while also acknowledging the life of their lost family member. You can say or write something as simple as “I am thinking of you, your family, and your baby [use the baby’s name if known]”. 

Here are some significant days to recognize: 

• Mother’s and Father's Day 

• The due date and birthday of the baby 

• The anniversary of when they learned of the pregnancy 

• The anniversary of their miscarriage and loss 

• October 15 is observed globally as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day dedicated to honoring babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, and infant death. On that day, families and supporters light a candle at 7:00 PM local time, creating a continuous wave of light across every time zone for at least one hour.  

While this loss can seem like a moment in time, the grief from pregnancy and infant loss can last a lifetime. Losing a family member at any stage is hard. Let your loved ones know that they are not alone and that the pain and grief they experience is real. Checking in with them in the months and years to come is a wonderful way to show ongoing care and compassion.  

Do you or a loved one need to talk with a mental health professional? 988 is the free 24/7 suicide and crisis hotline. You can call or text this number; conversations are confidential. Our Walk-in Crisis Center in Louisville, Colorado also operates 24/7 and provides in-person support. All are welcome. 

Crisis Center 

Address: 1107 W Century Dr, Louisville, CO 80027 

Phone: (303) 447-1665